Wednesday, July 24, 2024
Homescotland10 things English people will never understand about Scotland

10 things English people will never understand about Scotland

We might have been neighbours forever, but even now there’s a lot about Scotland and it’s people that the English just don’t get.

From simple misunderstandings to urban myths and flat-out nonsense, as soon as we cross the border it’s only a matter of time before someone comes out with a belter that has you groaning at having to explain, yet again.

Now there’s a new TV show looking at the issue.

Comedian Al Murray is fronting an exclusive new series for HISTORY, called “Al Murray: Why Does Everyone Hate the English?” , which is on Mondays at 9pm. This week’s episode sees him joined by Scottish comedian Fred MacAulay to talk about the long rivalry between the neighbouring countries.

The list of things English people will never understand about Scotland is endless, but here’s a wee selection of some of the things that rip our knitting the most…

1. We’re not all alkies

Yes, we like a drink. In fact, there’s no denying we really, really like a drink. But it’s a social thing.

We all grew up sitting in pubs with our maw and da getting plied with coke and crisps and change for the puggy. It’s in our blood. Aye, you’d get the social at the door for that these days, but it was magic at the time.

You can keep your cups of tea, England. We’ll stick to a wee bevvy.

2. Nobody eats deep-fried Mars bars

Honestly. It’s a myth and it drives us tonto. At this moment there’s probably a Scottish guy finding an undiscovered tribe in the Amazon and they’re doing sign language for “Ah, Scotland! Deep-fried Mars bars!”

Yes, loads of chippies sell them, but it’s purely for tourists.

It’s a horrible idea and this comes from a country who deep-fry pizza for weans at lunchtime. We’re not exactly health nuts, but we’re not all hammering battered chocolate bars every day.

3. We don’t all wear kilts


One of the biggest injustices is the Scottish reputation for being skinflints.

Scotland isn’t one big Brigadoon where we all cut about in the family tartan and hit the ceilidh straight after work on a Friday.

Hard as it may be to believe, but most of us own a pair of trousers.

Weddings are different but even then, it’s not illegal to wear a nice suit. Saying that, they are more common round the Highlands and Islands, but we don’t talk about them.

4. Haggis isn’t an animal


Speaking of food, our national dish isn’t actually a real creature.

We tell anyone that asks that it runs wild on the hills and it’s legs are different lengths, but it’s actually a sheep’s stomach filled with choice cuts like hearts, lungs and livers.

And still tastes better than a deep fried Mars bar.

Oh and we don’t eat it all the time either, for most folk it’s an annual thing on Burns Night. Unless you’re in the chippy and having one deep-fried, obviously.

5. “Anyone but England”

Believe it or not, there’s actually a fair amount of Scots that support England in the World Cup.

Honest. Saying that, the majority would absolutely support anyone but England, but not for the reasons you think.

It’s not because we hate the English, or are jealous that we never, ever bloody qualify anymore.

No, it’s because we have to listen to absolute weapons like Clive Tyldsley, Adrian Durham and Ian Wright droning on from the off about how this is England’s year and how they’re going all the way even though they’ve just sneaked a point against San Marino.

6. We don’t have “funny money”

See that banknote we’ve just tried to spend in your shop? The one that you don’t accept? Aye, that one. Look closer. See where it says “pounds sterling”? That’s a wee clue that is legal tender you absolute clowns. It’s not a Euro, it’s not a dollar, it’s not a shiny doubloon. It’s. A. Tenner.

7. It’s not always raining

Okay, it’s probably not going to be that warm. We’ll give you that.

Pretty much any day that’s in double figures temperature-wise is considered taps aff weather and an excuse to get down the park with a bag of cans, so we take what we can get.

Rain though, isn’t as constant as it’s made out to be. In any given year we can have at least two whole weeks in total when you can hang a wash out. Just bring a coat and stop going on about it.

8. Glasgow isn’t that scary


Okay, statistically over the years our biggest city has gained a rep for being a bit rough, but most of its image is years out of date.

As mental as it is, Glasgow is by far the friendliest place you’ll ever visit. If you get lost on Sauchiehall Street on a Saturday the first people you meet will take you to a party, get you wrecked and make sure you get back to your hotel. Fact.

9. We’re not actually tight. At all

Go into any pub in Scotland (apart, maybe, for Aberdeen) and anyone that doesn’t get their round in is immediately a social pariah.

Doesn’t matter if it’s come full circle and you’re not getting them all back, swerving your round is not on and somewhere below kicking dogs in the acceptability scale. Get to the bar.

10. We don’t actually hate the English

Okay, maybe we used to. Maybe hundreds of years ago when we were all about “the auld enemy” or even a few decades ago when we would play each other regularly at Hampden and Wembley, so we felt like we were rivals.

But nobody really cares anymore apart from absolute rockets that let the side down.

We’re too busy now hating Yes voters, No voters, leave voters, remain voters, blue tories, red tories, cybernats and many more.

Our football team might be rubbish these days, but we’d win the World Cup for being annoyed at each other. English punters? It’s all good. We’re aw’ pals.

Maris Lopez
Maris Lopezhttp:////
Hey there! I'm Maris, an American girl who is passionate about adventure, the outdoors and all things travel!


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